fed up!

Today, I thought too much. As I always do...I let the scattering thoughts that flew across my mind crowd up all the space available to function. So I just laid there in my bed and let the thoughts swim around. && as of today, I am fed up. I am tired of this life. I feel like every day is pointless. I have no job, no work to do (school is almost over), and no responsibilities (no real ones) so I'm stuck. I'm usually involved in something. Now I am doing nothing. The fact that my parents have let me go and allowed me to explore the indepedence that shall follow with my approaching adulthood contributes much to my idleness. && they say idle time is the devil's workshop. i believe this is true. For the past few months of my life, I have been in progress-- keeping myself busy, going to church 3 times a week, and growing as a Christian. I have dropped those out of my life that are bringing me down and worked on myself to become more beautiful on the inside every day. However, since I no longer have a job and I barely have school these days, I believe that my idle time has been an open door for the devil to work in me. I have no clue what my college decision is. I have no clue what I'm going to really do with my life and if i have even the slightest idea, i have no clue how to get there. I have fallen back into the trap of exes. ugh. I know i don't need a man. Sometimes i just feel like I want to be held. Even if it is a relationship I know won't work, and that I know would go nowhere, I still go back to these EXES because I know they love me and I just like the idea of someone loving me. I don't feel completely loved in my home. && to be honest, I love God, but I don't feel his love physically as I want to. I know God loves me, but quite frankly, he doesn't make me feel held at night. He doesn't call me in the morning to tell me Good morning and that he loves me. He doesn't buy me lunch or tell me how great of a person I am. With God I feel punished, not to undermine my constant blessings. But in a relationship, I feel on top of the world. With God, I feel under a rock. So now I'm stuck and feel like I have no way out. I am soooo sick of life right now and just want to move away from everything to define myself with new people and engage myself in new things. I want to act. I want to go to San Diego State University. I do not want to serve in the Air Force, or the Army, or the Navy. I do not want to loose 15 pounds. I want to take acting classes. Sadly, none of these things will go my way. So for now i can only continue to listen to my music, trapped in the world my sleep and trust that God will bring my life back together.

Extremely frustrated,

Cee.