Once upon a time I had very little interest in a boy. This boy had major steez, big sexy lips, and all the girls wanted him. I didn't really get why everybody wanted him because I didn't think he was cute. But then after time went by, he grew on me. It didn't help that all my girl friends were in my ear tellin' me how fine he was. So out of boredom, I got with him. Before I got with him, I had a feeling I shouldn't. I don't know what it was, but everytime I thought about it, my heart would race and I would think...its wrong to date this boy, isn't it? I felt like God was telling me not to date him, and I ignored the feelings and did it anyway. After that I suffered for a very long time...Not only was the relationship unsatisfying, but so was everything else in life. I remember having my car break down, having horrible luck with job searching, and just everything I could think of...was going wrong!
Now a year later, I get this same feeling about joining the Air Force. 3 days before I am supposed to ship off, I am depressed because I'm thinking about all the things that were "possible signs" telling me I shouldn't go.
- sign #1: my friend's mother talked to me about and said if i wasn't at peace with it in my heart, I should pray about it
- sign #2: i burned my fingers, which is a reason for them to possibly reject me (which I'm still not sure if they will or won't)
- sign #3: i gained weight so much in 3 months that I went from near the minimum to near the maximum and now if I gain a few more pounds (they won't let me go...which is possible since people want to go out to eat for the last few days)
- sign #4: my period is about to come like in the next few days and when i'm bloaded i put on weight so that could very well contribute to me not going
- sign #5: i spent all day looking for some documents that i needed to go and I couldn't find them...i thought I really wasn't going to be able to go but I found them (only during the time I coulnd't find them i thought it was a sign that I wasn't meant to go)
- sign #6: my pee test must clear to go and that means i can't do any drugs...so i'm afraid if i take pain pills for my period pain, it'll show in my pee and then i won't be able to go
So now after all of this, and now that I have 3 days left...I'm wondering if this is God or if this is the devil. If it's God, its unsettling to me that after all this time, that he would still let me go thorugh all of this. It would be a humongous lesson and completely suck beyond ridiculous compare. I think I would be so mad at God for a long time that I wouldn't even let him use me if I had to stay back home. That's not cool. Like he could use me while I'm making money, getting my life together and becoming an adult. This is soooo unfair!!!!
I'm also wondering if this is the devil, because he might know that this step in my life is going to get me far and is going to make me a better person or catipult me into a better christian walk...and lifestyle. He could be making circumstances work out for the worst for me so that I could break and so that I could turn away from God like how he tested Job when he took everything from him and wondered if he's still going to praise God. Job had it waayyy worst. Job lost his family members...his children died and his wife died and his riches were taken away...all of that and through it all, Job still praised God. But I'm not as strong as Job is and if God is allowing the devil to test me, he must know I'm going to fail. So why even do it in the 1st place.
So rather the test is coming from God or the struggle is dealing with the devil, the devil wins if I don't go to the Air Force. So I need to go...THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so in the next 3 days, I guess we're going to find out if I'm going to be able to go...and man it's going to suck if I don't...you don't even understand how much...like I would almost want to kill myself if I wasn't black lol...
what the eff,
Cee.
